Lost

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if the choices I make for my family are anywhere close to being right.  Then we go through the motions and the outcome always seems bad.  So why do I even try? Well for my kids, of course.  Right now is a hard time in our house.  My 10 year old son is going through a tough time in his life (as I last wrote about) right now and here I sit again crying trying to figure out what to do.  How do I tell him that I’m sorry?  Even though I haven’t done anything wrong, I feel like his emotional feelings of abandonment from his father and his daddy are my fault.  It eats at you when you are the mom and you can’t fix it.   My husband and I got married when I already had two kids and he already had one.  We then had two more sons together so there is a big bunch of us.  My daughter walks around with the “I don’t care” attitude and she can adjust to any given situation, yet my son isn’t that way.  For 4 kids living under the same roof, my children are as different as night and day.  It is to be expected I know but it still kills me that my kids are all me in some form or another.

Anyways, I finally got fed up with my husband and his treatment of MY son and yet again went head to head with the beast.  ( I fear no one when it comes to my kids) as he sits in his chair with his t.v. show on, I start.  And yes, I love to argue with him because I know I am not wrong in anything I have to say, yet as far as he is concerned it is just the same shit a different day.  He sits and watches tv while I continue to bitch.  My kids even throw in their opinions because they know they have every right to state them.  I believe firmly that as kids they have a right to FEEL.  No child should have to be dictated to.  I grew up that way and I won’t let my kids be changed just because the man of the house says that’s how it is.  I am very head strong and very protective.  It took a whole life of being worth nothing to anyone that mattered for me to see that my kids wouldn’t go through the same thing.  But yet as I sit back I realize that history has a way of cycling til lessons are learned and the cycle is broken. 

I pray for my children daily.  I bless them before bed and school. I bless their rooms so they can sleep without worry.  The one thing I cannot protect them from is life.  My son is my heart.  My sick baby through most all of his early childhood and now he doesn’t know how to adapt or to be part OF anything.  Now here I sit crying in my room pouring out these words onto my computer.  Wondering when it will change. When will God realize that now’s the time I need HIM to step in.I am not strong enough to do this anymore.  I may have no fear of getting hurt for my children, but I do not want to get hurt leaving my children to survive.  I love them.  God hear me.   Why can’t my husband realize that being a softer man doesn’t make you less of a man?  What else can I do or say or bitch?