never feel as though you are alone in the pit of depression

I am writing this for those of you who feel as though there is no one who cares.  No one who understands the loneliness.  No one who understands what it feels like to feel like your drowning in your own self-pity, low self-esteem.  Well, yes there is.  Yes, there are.   I was one of those people and for years I struggled with hating life, those around me, myself.   As a child I began to make my life go down a road that eventually was my own self destruction.  I spent my childhood making everyone else pay for what I thought was a horrible childhood and as I grew into a teenager that way of thinking caused me to become a depressed, self-mutilating, suicidal, manipulating young adult.   I thought no one cared about me when in all reality it was me who hated me.  I hated who I was.  I blamed everyone else for my way of thinking.  I had no one to show me that I was truly a beautiful person waiting to get out.  

I had pain of emotions because I had spent a whole life trying to get my dad to love me that I forgot to love myself.  When I got upset I cut myself for years.  I would do it just to be the one who had control of the amount of pain I received.  Do I want pity for these actions?  NO.   I have already been washed of this way of thinking and I feel millions times better now.   The point is, I wanted to be in control for once.  All that fighting for attention, never being the favorite, being selfish.   I eventually go put in an institution. Not once but twice.  Do you know that it only made me worse?   I learned new ways to inflict harm in secret and how to kill myself without anyone suspecting.    All the while thinking it was best for everyone else if I just died.

I spent a while looking for affection with all guys trying to cover up the loneliness I felt because I thought my dad didn’t care if I was in his home or not.   I was even a heavy drinker because when I drank I was fun.   I thought that was who people wanted me to be.  Psychologists tried to diagnose me with this or that, no one really tried to help.  They couldn’t.   None of them truly cared about who they were either.  Pills were the answer for everything.   A lot of my behaviors carried into my adulthood and caused rifts in my marriage and affecting my parenting.   I see a lot of my old behaviors in my children.  Not the self-mutilation but the ways of thinking.   Those were things I did not want my children to live with.  

Now to the point where the healing begins.   Several years ago I had a therapist who was of a Christian raising and she looked me dead in the eyes and told me, “I will not give you medication and I will not lock you away.  You do not have a disorder you have a product of your raising.”  Do you know that in all my years of therapy and pills that I never once had someone tell me that?  This woman was crazy as far as I was concerned but at the same time I was so happy there were no more pills involved and it wasn’t something I was born with.   The words of my father rang through my head, “you are crazy just like your mother.  You’re going to end up psychotic like her. “Thing is, my mother is none of that either.   She had a very rough childhood that most would never be able to comprehend.  If anyone has the right to be nuts, it would be her.   She was actually the only one that really ever understood me when I was a kid but I never knew then.   But that is something else altogether.

I finally found that it was in my head the whole time.  It was the devil and his lies that had me thinking this and I was hurting everyone else around me.  I found myself after a lifetime of this.   Well you can tear a house down in a day but it takes a long time to build one right.   I still have my days where the evil tries to rear its ugly head but now I have weapons.   I know in my heart that it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me as long as I remember that God loves me because he made me.  I am at peace with my life now.  I do not look back and hate.  I look back and learn.  My children know my past.  I do not hide it from them or anyone.  It’s an open book I hope that others can use to learn from.   I am also learning that by having control issues I crutch those who are trying to help.   Is it hard?  Oh yes, definitely.  Can I make it?  Oh yes, definitely. With God’s help and a new way of thinking, over the last 5 years I have become secure in who I am as a person, wife, mother, and friend.  I use my past to help others now.  And I am going to school as well to help even more.   There is nothing you can’t do if you remember that there is “no weapon forged against us that can prosper” and “we can do all things through the strength of Christ”   please, if you ever feel as though rock bottom is the last line of life, then please seek someone who can help heal.  Always remember though, selfish thinking is the tool of the evil.   No one can erase your past or heal for you.   That is something that we have to accept.   But there are people who know what it’s like to live that way.  We are not problem people who need medication to erase, we need to be taught how to heal from within and move forward.    

racism is a stupid way of taught thought.

Okay so here’s the deal.  Today’s blog has nothing to do with my crazy psychotic home life but so much as a bit of ranting.  LOL  My husband and I talk a lot about the things he knows and honestly, he knows a lot but can’t do anything with the knowledge he has.  Politics and history.  Two subjects I could care less about because it does nothing in my brain.   Now, I am from South Carolina born and raised, my husband is from Tennessee but now calls my home his.  His knowledge on history is astounding to the point that it would blow holes in the prejudice’s way of life and most of the people around here get offended when he calls them on the things they say.  

Now South Carolina is an extremely poor state.  Why, you ask????  Well duh!!!!   We have people who sit on their ass thinking that people owe them for things that happened a century or so ago that they weren’t even a thought in.  Our government tells them that as long as they are here they will be paid to be taken care of really no questions asked.  Screw YOU!!!!   Get off your ass and make a living.   

My husband was telling me that during slave days one of the most wealthy slave owners was actually, brace yourself South Carolina, a BLACK man.  Did you read that right???  Yes, I wrote a BLACK man.  So do we owe you something because we are white??????????   NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    the majority of the African American descendants here lineage goes back to being owned by HIM!!!!  And honestly, when will you get over it?   If the government would stop giving handouts to the supposed oppressed and make them work like the rest of us poverty living people, we wouldn’t be in this situation.  If you read autobiographies of some historic slaves you would realize that their life wasn’t as bad as you’d think.   Like my husband says, “ you wouldn’t by a lambergenie and test drive it into a tree just to see if it was worth that several hundred thousand.”   It was the same point then.   Now no one is saying there life was easy compared to today’s standards but the people back then didn’t drive those boats along that country and say “Hey get your ass on here you’re gonna be property!”  no.  the Africans sold off their own people for money and goods.   That’s just life back then.  White people were slaves to whites before blacks were.  

Eventually you would let the past go.  White, black, Mexican, etc, we are all people who live TODAY!!!  Get into the today of life and let go of something that had absolutely NOTHING to do with you.  Get a JOB and stop allowing your babies to have babies to get your increase in food stamps and welfare.   It’s not that hard.   Do you know how many African American friends my husband and I have that say the most racial people they know are the ones of the same race?  SAD!!!!!   We all bleed the same, we all have the same emotions so why hate against us???   We had nothing to do with yourself pity for people that lived way before you were ever thought to be an itch in anyone’s pants.   Get over itand move on.   It’s people that have racial thinking that gives organizations an excuse to come in and do whatever they want cause you have a cry.   Boo frickin hoo.     You aren’t helpless and don’t feel racially hated.   Most people just don’t like people in general it has nothing to do with who your ancestors were.   They aren’t here being the idiots.  YOU ARE!!!!!!   You don’t see us whining cuz your kids are getting their way just cause people are afraid that if they do justifiably discipline them you will holler race.    Pathetic people.   Grow up.    We know some very awesome people that say their own race is what gives the good people a bad name.   Trailer park trash, Ghetto trash.   It’s all the same thing.  People who are too stupid and lazy to be descent human beings.   And do some REAL history research.  You’d find a lot of things that will blow your old thinking out of the water.     Let it go and live for today, be a true Christian and love everyone.  Not based off skin color or pasts we never lived in.   Be a HERE and NOW person or you rstupid stuck in the old days thinking will continue to bring us ALL down.   And no I am not directing this to anyone.   All races are to blame because in all honesty no one was ever taught the actual history just the sugar coated shit.    Please do not take offense I’m just rambling.

empty nest????

Ok, so school starts next week for my 3 oldest children and the week after for my youngest and I.  well odd part is, when I look back over my children starting school I noticed I never really cried or felt that “oh their growing up” feeling.  Now that my youngest has started getting ready for school and even got his own big boy bed in the big boy room, I’m feeling it.   They are finally all becoming some sort of grown in their own right.   L  When my oldest went to her first day of daycare or first day of school,  I didn’t cry.  I was proud but not sad.  Other moms I know say they cry when their big one goes off to school for the first time.   WHY?   There are still more at home to occupy your every waking moment.  No time to cry.  I did cry when my daughter graduated the fifth grade if that counts.   I cried and she looked at me like I had lost it but that’s my little girl whom I did not cry for when she went off to school for the first time but the reality of her growing up to go to middle school killed me.   The next two in line are my boys, so them growing up is kinda high up there on my wish list.  LOL no offense to my sons but DAMN.  I can’t wait for those two to become a problem for adulthood than for me.   Before they hit high school I’m liable to be in a crazy bin while they are off causing drama and chaos to others.   Now my fourth and, better be FINAL, son and child will be going off to public school.  Now the anxiety of not having him underfoot is killing me.   The fact that he is now sleeping in my older boys’ room is bad enough but now he will be leaving the house for what I like to call “free daycare” during the week.   It’s been YEARS since I’ve had the house to myself and I truly have no clue what to do or think.   He’s my little normal thinking chaos ball of joy.   Man, I guess I will actually be in the library working on my own school work.   The gist of it is, I’m so used to having my children at home that the thought of them growing up is terrifying me.  they may be nuts, chaotic, hyper from hell, and all the good nutty crap that drives all moms crazy, but that’s what keeps me going daily.  Without the chaos of my children in my house I may fall apart.    LOL  or I may find that I thoroughly enjoy peace and quiet.   Either way I wouldn’t know cause I’ve never had it.  LOL  well time to get prepared to be back to school.  

popcorn tins.....not a chair

Okay so here is a new development in what I like to call “the house of no-brainers”   LOL……

So, you know those Christmas tins full of popcorn?  Well my 4 year old has found many uses for them than just popcorn and decoration.  Picture everyone sitting around watching “Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules” and no one is paying much attention to the 4 year old.  (he’s always doing something odd)  first he’s wearing it as a hat and banging on the tin, then he’s rolling it around.  Well, after he gets bored with the usual he decides to use it as a footstool for daddy while he’s on it.  So of course they start goofing off and horse playing.  K, nuf playing, back to the movie.  All the sudden he starts crying.  His popcorn tin chair doesn’t work too well when he turns it over and puts his big ole butt IN it.   LOL  yes! By this point we realize he actually thought he could sit IN it.  He was stuck.   Ass all the way in the tin and his ASS is stuck.   HAHAHAHAHA   help him.  LOL  after laughing hysterically my husband finally tries to help him out.  Not so easy a job when he has inherited the behind of my side of the blood line.   LOL  my  husband gets him out and continues to laugh while my poor child is now scarred for life cuz the popcorn tin ate his butt.  My husband says that is what you get when you get your momma’s booty.   Seriously????  Not my fault his blood line is known for being a member of the “no-ass-at-all tribe”

So on an end note to this scenario, popcorn tins are good for storage, decoration, and holding popcorn, BUT not good for sitting in when you have a big-ole-ass.   LOL   thank you.

little boys.......

Okay, I have a theory, if boys were to come with manuals upon ultrasound verification, I am sure the title would be, Proceed at Your Own Risk!!! 

Little boys are born with their mother’s heart already in the palm of their hands and their daddy’s paranoia in check.  Daddy’s already know, either from personal experience or having THAT buddy, what they are in for.  Mother’s, on the other hand, unless they had those types of brothers, just melt at the sight of that innocent little bundle of joy, who deep inside is harboring a need for speed junkie, a demolition demon, and just all around trouble walking kind of secret.  Boys are a breed that I believe God created with the idea of humor at the mom’s expense.

I have three that never cease to come up with some new way to either harm themselves, or each other.  They are solely interested in farts of all kinds, insanities that I never knew existed, and words that I don’t even know could be put together.   LOL   You watch them start of so cute and dependent and cuddly and pudgy.  What you don’t know yet is that they WILL walk and talk, and then they run and yell, and then they break arms, legs, and hearts.  Somewhere in that DNA is that one little combo of gene sequence that breeds, what I like to call, the bliss of ignorance.  LOL

My two youngest sons spent the majority of this evening on youtube while my husband and I watched tv.  Needless to say the laughter from those two was uncontrollable.  What they were watching you ask?  Well, take a guess…….Fart videos of all kinds.   Hahahaha   They watched a baby fart baby powder and their all-time fave was a man in a public shower sneeze so hard he farted shit all over the man at the next shower head.   GO FIGURE.   Farts!   The one thing in this house that will actually stop a sever fight between anyone in the room.    Literally.  If they are fighting or whatever they call it know a days, somebody farts and the fight never happened.  Everyone is too busy laughing.  

Well for those of us with those kind of little boys that make us wanna pull out our hair you will understand highly what I am saying.  I have one that has an ER file due to his own stupidity.  He fell down a hole we told him repeatedly to stay out of and busted his own face up.  What did he do after stitches in his face and shots in his gums??????   He went back to do it again.   Go figure.   The same son didn’t listen when I told him not to run in the parking lot because he may get hit by a car.   Yup, you guessed it, he got BUMPED by a car.  Enough to shake him up considering it was only going like 5 or so an hour.  He got up, flipped off the driver, and persisted to run to the car anyways.  He assumes the cars will stop because he’s in its presence.  LOL.  Yes I have one of THOSE sons.   LOL  he is a fearless little kid but he is my heart.   Funniest part though, he is terrified of the stupid stuff.   Not the MAJOR stuff, the stupid petty crap.  Like going to class in the middle of the day, or sleeping in his own bed (he shares a room so it’s not like he’s alone)  he’s all the sudden developed a need to cling.  LOL   

When my two youngest sons get together the complete lack of intelligence is obvious.   It’s as though they feed off each other’s whacky thinking.  We have a puppy that a few months old and that poor dog is already shaken up and tossed around and several other things.  They love that dog.  Just today they put her in a box and taught her how to fly.  It was horrible.  That poor dog is tough.   My 8 year old carries her like a doll baby and babies her then in the next breath he’s got her in that tonka truck pushin her around the yard full speed.  He’s even trying to teach her to ride a bike…..LOL  I don’t think her hands work right for him   LOL   I don’t think she stands a chance….but they will cry for her and die for her and she’s just a dog.   Go figure.    Well that’s enough for now but do not think I don’t have many more holy crap things to say.   LOL   night all.